Saturday, August 20, 2016

Rants; Y2S2

Whatever he said that day totally hit me.

Prof Zaher was asking us how we were doing academically. Though I never mentioned anything, everything he described was exactly what I was going through. Using OCIP as a means to distract myself from studying. Putting my priorities in the wrong thing. It felt incredibly relatable and real to me, as if he read my thoughts and was saying that to me.

Anyway I've been sleeping later and later these days that I am getting so tired even after a 7 to 8 hour shut eye. I really need to figure out why I'm doing this to myself. You know, I've been thinking about moving back to hall so that maybe, just maybe, a change of environment and free from stresses at home would be a good option. I never told anyone this (probably) that there were many reasons I moved out of hall.
1. I disliked the feeling of going home every weekend and staying there for a couple of days, eat sleep drink study and then go back home. It felt like as if I was treating my home like a hotel that I visited weekly. Given that our last maid left in 2014 and we never hired anymore, I also had this urge to contribute by doing some housework and making my presence worthwhile. Coz my family members always think I'm too dependent on them and I am a leecher who doesn't do anything at home. Only mug and mug and mug.
2. I was honestly feeling a little homesick. What with my sister leaving for Australia back then and the lack of home cooked food, bad room ventilation, constant haunts by lizards and so forth made me miss home a lot more. Things between bro and parents also turned sour during that time and I fervently hoped I could be physically at home to help alleviate smtg or ease tensions. Not that I never tried adapting to staying at home. I did. I tried to make myself as comfortable as I could, and my family tried to make me bring a lot of things over to aid my settling down in hall but honestly it didn't suffice. I was still feeling homesick. Or maybe I'm just reliant on people at home if you see it that way. Idk man, I'm an independent person (I would think so) but my hall stay experience has made me doubt myself.
3. I knew I was losing discipline staying by myself and slept and bathed as late as I wanted. Which was not healthy. And not to blame the roomie, but I was never quite in the mood to study somehow. When I first moved in, I felt like I was staying in a chalet so studying never seemed like important to me which probably partly explains my sucky grades in y1s1.
4. Hall people and I were just awkward. I never made any friends there, other than the occasional hi and bye with my neighbours next door. Despite attending hall camp, I never expected myself to become a hall phantom in the end.

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