Summer AY2015/2016

I haven't been here for god knows how long haha. And I'm finally back.. to update about my exciting fun-filled summer 2016!

First up, after finals ended was of course none other than my FST lab. Which was stressful but fun. We bought food products and analysed the presence of micro-organisms in them and wrote reports and stuff. And my lab group was supposed to comprise of 3 people, but 1 person withdrew from the programme and the school didn't update the namelist so my lab partner and I were left to tank the work supposedly done by 3 people. We were struggling to chiong the lab report out even at the very last minute. That day was pretty horrendous hahaha.

Then came my Vietnam trip to Phong Phu Commune with SCBE OCIP aka Project TAB 2016. As a leader, I had faced many challenges, right from the beginning such as canvassing, managing resources, selection and all that. And it was tough but I enjoyed the whole of it. Looking back, I actually enjoyed those times of busyness although I did suspect that my academic grades would suffer a bit. Now that I have nothing much on my plate other than studying, it feels a bit empty inside haha. Oh I am weird. Anyway, would like to specially thank my fellow co-chairperson Wen Chuan, as well as other members of my Main Committee (in no particular order): Ranice, Jinny, Wei Xiong, Wai Kit, Edmund, Yan See, Hui Qing and Hui Ling. Especially Wen Chuan who had to tank a lot of the nitty gritty administrative work and did most of the liaison on top of the heavy work load from CBE. We both had disagreements but we managed to resolve them peacefully. Thank you for working with me and tolerating all my shit hahaha. As for the things that happened during the trip and my overall reflection etc, I shall not post them up here. But also want to thank my amazing group of volunteers for participating in and contributing to Project TAB and I hope you have gained much more than you expected from the trip!

Then after that was my summer exchange at Sungkyunkwan University, South Korea. I spent 6 weeks in Korea, with 3 weeks at school and the other 3 weeks travelling around hahaha. It was definitely my first time being so long away from home. I didn't exactly miss home itself (other than my bed) but I did miss the company I had around me - family and friends. But all was fine. Poh Geok (my travel companion, roommate, translator and so on..) and I cooked our meals whenever we could to save money. On weekends, we ate out and travelled a lot. Total expenditure I calculated was about SGD5.7k, with school fees, accommodation, air tickets all in. A little pricey, but that's South Korea where the cost of living was relatively higher than Singapore. We first landed at Incheon Int'l Airport, stayed there (like hobos) for the night, caught a morning flight to Jeju, spent about 3 nights there, flew back to Seoul and then spent the next 1 month plus there. After summer school ended, we went to Busan and Gyeongju. And then finally back to Seoul, and back home. I shall briefly summarize my experiences at each city below.

Jeju was a pretty large place for an island hahaha. Okay but that aside, it was a pretty bad option to take public transport aka bus around because we spent majority of the time waiting/travelling and ended up not covering many places that we wanted to, which was a real pity. Signs and everything were mostly in Korean so I had to rely on PG to get around. Weather also wasn't on our side coz we were met with occasional showers. Especially with majority of the attractions in Jeju being outdoors, it was difficult to cope with the bad weather. We met foreigners along the way and saw some familiar faces from mainland China as we travelled (together). Quite an experience as I didn't think we would have spoken to anyone else but ourselves lol. Transportation cost was also not too cheap there (I think it's more expensive than Seoul). Some places were developed, others were not. Self-touring is possible, but it's best to hire a taxi for the day - I think it'd be more worth it. Or rent a car or follow some bus tour or something. Places I'd wanna visit (again): Mt. Hallasan, Seongsan Ilchubong (on a non cloudy day!!), Seojikopji, and majority of the attractions I'd missed at southern Jeju.

Seoul is like another Singapore with a well-connected transportation system and busy working adults. There are pretty sites around and good food around too. It's easy to get around and lots of tourists and locals in central Seoul. The outskirts of Seoul are quieter with more elderly folks. Although I stayed here for the longest period, I haven't got anything much to comment about Seoul. At least nothing much comes to mind as of now haha. Nothing much to comment on my summer school coz my class mainly comprised of NTU students so it was like being in a mini NTU all again. Was also honoured to be in a school with a long history in South Korea hehe. And like many universities in South Korea, SKKU was built on a hill. We went university hopping around many unis so I am kinda qualified to say that lol. My accommodation at Seoul was the best out of all: CUBNB. The hosts were really great and helped us in many ways, from providing travel and food advice and the occasional 'special breakfast' and so on! Really enjoyed my stay there a lot.

Busan was a really nice place and I wished I had spent more time there! We didn't exactly cover some places we had intended on going. But the people in Busan were really nice (well, aesthetically) and friendly. I still remember that PG had to top up her T-money card in Busan but there was no train station nearby for us to use the top-up machine. We searched high and low for a convenience store that could help us with that but there wasn't any. Then this warm friendly ahjumma approached us at the bus stop and using hand gestures and broken English + Korean, she tried her best to help us, almost at the expense of missing her own bus. We walked quite a long distance later to find the convenience store and finally got the card topped up. Another incident was when we tried finding the Orkyudo Skywalk at Igidae Park or something like that and we were completely lost. I saw a guard post and asked the security guard for directions. Strangely, he invited us into his guard post to take a sit and rest. I was feeling a bit apprehensive about the whole thing but still went ahead with my defences up. He then tried to convey to us that it was a hot summer day, so he wanted us to cool down before he gave us directions to get to the Skywalk. He took out a slip of paper with directions or something (I still duno what it writes till today) in Korean and using some elaborated hand and body gestures he pointed out to us how to get to our destination. That slip of paper proved useful as we approached many Koreans to bring us there en-route just by showing them the slip of paper. And there was once PG wanted to get to a fansign venue to catch her idols but the directions were wrong and we were led to a primary school lol. Apparently there was a student also in the area heading to the same destination, so we followed her and successfully got to our destination. Places I'd wanna visit (again): musical fountain place all the way at the last station on the orange line since we missed it (sorry I forgot the name), night markets (!!!), any maybe more but I can't recall haha.

Gyeongju was a rather historical and quiet place. Our accommodation was located at this ulu, almost dilapidated area where the streets were quiet. Plenty of Gyeongju ppang (bread) shops around Gyeongju. We went on a city tour for one day and it was rushed like siao. We spend like what, 20 mins at an attraction wth. The tour guide rushing to get off work is it. Anw Gyeongju is a pretty hidden tourist site, and has a lot of tombs around. Would be worth visiting back again in another few years, since some of the areas we went to were in the process of excavation which goes to show that it's a largely undiscovered place as of now. 

All in all, this was how I spent my summer. Tata!

Rants; Y2S2

Whatever he said that day totally hit me.

Prof Zaher was asking us how we were doing academically. Though I never mentioned anything, everything he described was exactly what I was going through. Using OCIP as a means to distract myself from studying. Putting my priorities in the wrong thing. It felt incredibly relatable and real to me, as if he read my thoughts and was saying that to me.

Anyway I've been sleeping later and later these days that I am getting so tired even after a 7 to 8 hour shut eye. I really need to figure out why I'm doing this to myself. You know, I've been thinking about moving back to hall so that maybe, just maybe, a change of environment and free from stresses at home would be a good option. I never told anyone this (probably) that there were many reasons I moved out of hall.
1. I disliked the feeling of going home every weekend and staying there for a couple of days, eat sleep drink study and then go back home. It felt like as if I was treating my home like a hotel that I visited weekly. Given that our last maid left in 2014 and we never hired anymore, I also had this urge to contribute by doing some housework and making my presence worthwhile. Coz my family members always think I'm too dependent on them and I am a leecher who doesn't do anything at home. Only mug and mug and mug.
2. I was honestly feeling a little homesick. What with my sister leaving for Australia back then and the lack of home cooked food, bad room ventilation, constant haunts by lizards and so forth made me miss home a lot more. Things between bro and parents also turned sour during that time and I fervently hoped I could be physically at home to help alleviate smtg or ease tensions. Not that I never tried adapting to staying at home. I did. I tried to make myself as comfortable as I could, and my family tried to make me bring a lot of things over to aid my settling down in hall but honestly it didn't suffice. I was still feeling homesick. Or maybe I'm just reliant on people at home if you see it that way. Idk man, I'm an independent person (I would think so) but my hall stay experience has made me doubt myself.
3. I knew I was losing discipline staying by myself and slept and bathed as late as I wanted. Which was not healthy. And not to blame the roomie, but I was never quite in the mood to study somehow. When I first moved in, I felt like I was staying in a chalet so studying never seemed like important to me which probably partly explains my sucky grades in y1s1.
4. Hall people and I were just awkward. I never made any friends there, other than the occasional hi and bye with my neighbours next door. Despite attending hall camp, I never expected myself to become a hall phantom in the end.

1.45am thoughts

Do you ever feel like you've got so many battles to fight in your life, that it's probably better off if you left this world?


I'm starting to think I've got mild depression.

Year 2 sem 1

Holidays started. And ended. And now sem 2 begins.

Well my sem 1 was rather hectic with 26 AUs of school load and OCIP responsibilities. Not to mention that I stopped tkd as well.

Then finals came. Had 7 papers. It wasn't great. Typo errors for two of my final exam papers. And can you imagine that the prof didn't make an open announcement to correct the mistake?? Like they're trying to cover up for themselves or smtg. That just sucked. So I felt that those papers were marked unfairly since not everyone had the equal chance of doing well. When word spread that there was an error in the paper not corrected during the exam, some emailed the prof, his reply was "I will mark accordingly". What bullshit seriously.

The holidays came. Lab classes for FST for the first 2 weeks. Some stuff regarding the issue of friends dawned on me, and left me feeling perplexed and more cautious about my friends now. Then headed off to Australia on a road trip to Sydney from Gold Coast with jiejie and B. Came back to SG 10 days later. And that was about it. Then school began not too long after.

I hope this semester will be kind on me. Oh but come on, I've known enough that uni is hardly ever kind on me. This semester I'm planning to take 23 AUs. Hopefully it'll be better. More ocip responsibilities due to more deadlines.

Actually I wanted to type a really long post on my long train ride thoughts and some reflections made along the way. But I'll just keep it to myself and find some other time to post it probably.

Anyway I also attended Amanda's 21st birthday yesterday. Happy birthday! If she's reading this.

2nd week of school only and I don't think I'm starting the sem right. I need to straighten things up and get my head back into studies and etc.

Till next time,
Yi Ling (:

Falling so deep into this abyss of no return

It's the exams now.

I don't think I'll do well this semester.

My attitude and mind are not attuned towards exam condition.

Screwed.

I'm so gonna regret this. And moan and complain. But to no avail. I just hope history wouldn't repeat itself.

Remember: no point crying over split milk.


// currently just lying in bed, gonna sleep &  typing this in the darkness. There goes my eyesight too.

midnight thoughts;

When you love someone, be it a friend, family or lover, you...

• Seek comfort in their presence, whether it's words of reassurance, or physical comfort in the form of hugs etc
• Feel secure knowing that they are there with you
• Feel belonged
• Look for them to be yourself
• Look to them for your daily dose of fun/joy/laughter
• Advise them when necessary
• Pick them out on their bullshit and help them get their shit together when they need your reminders
• Seek help from them to fix the problems in your life, be it techie issues, academic problems etc
• Understand their needs and wants
• Are willing to go through thick and thin with them
• Be there for them
• Love them for their flaws and habits and everything that makes them, them.
• Put yourself/your heart out there, knowing that you might get hurt
• Wish the best for them no matter what happens
• Don't ever want to leave them
• Hope for the best that you'll remain in contact and things will turn out better in the end.

Love is not a feeling; love is a choice.

Removal of alphabetical grading system?

Yesterday while I was showering, I began hypothesizing on something related to how the Singapore education system could be changed. And then this thought came up. To be honest, I did not do any research following my hypothesis so probably this model is being implemented in some other countries. After all, I have very limited general knowledge, even in my favourite aspect of education. But anyway, here's what my hypothesis was (please hear me out/read it through even if I may sound silly):

Could we possibly implement a system that does not use alphabetical grades in assessing students?

From my personal experience, I feel that having alphabetical grades i.e. A, A+, B-, C+ etc, creates a huge sense of competition (both healthy and unhealthy ones) between students and generates an immense amount of stress while learning. For education to truly be meant for its intended purpose, i.e. for learning, shouldn't we remove this system of grading using alphabets? It seems as if everyone is just striving for that A+ grade and the intended purpose of learning is gone. It's almost like we just wanna hit that KPI and that passion for learning is lost. In fact, most of my friends around me are studying in this field because of the career prospects and not for their passion in the area. I am guilty to admit that I belong to the same category too.

Anyway, I digress - so what I'm trying to say is that we remove the alphabetical grades and implement Pass/Fail systems for the assessment of students instead. Because like what the critics will claim, an assessment is still needed (which I agree to by the way) for schools to gauge their students' learning. And a Pass grade will only be awarded if students have been able to fulfil a certain criteria deemed suitable by their assessors/teachers, such as being able to demonstrate their knowledge in blahblah. So yes, examinations are still needed. On top of that, I think more assessments should be conducted on practical, hands-on skills instead of just theory. Even as an engineer myself, when I conduct laboratory work, half of the time I am not too sure what I'm doing and why I'm doing what I'm doing. So Pass grades should only be strictly awarded for students' capability to exhibit a full comprehension of the topic/module. At the end of the day, Pass grades should not be given so leniently e.g. by mere completion of the module like what is currently happening to Pass/Fail modules in my school. And what this means is that there is no such thing as GPA or Honours class or whatever not. So basically everyone needs x no. of Pass grades in order to graduate. You may wonder, then, how do employers select their employees since there is no longer a GPA/Hons class to use as a guide? Well, since the graduates would have graduated with Pass grades, they can be equated to all having the same technical knowledge and skills. Thus, the employment of a graduate will not be based on his accolades but his personality, extra-curricular activities and other capabilities. I think you get my drift here, ya?

Basically, I think in this hypothetical scenario, nobody loses and everyone wins. Students do not have to pull their hair over the alphabets and employers can be assured that all graduates are equally knowledgeable and equipped to take on a role in their company. In that sense, every graduate also stands an equal chance in getting employed since they are on the same level and there is no discrimination based on Honours class or GPA. In fact, some companies (I forgot which ones) have started removing the GPA criteria and are looking at other aspects during the recruitment of candidates as it has been proven that a good GPA does not equate to a good employee.

Overall, I don't see any potential drawbacks in doing so. And this is a fairly simple concept that I believe other countries may have adopted already. I really think it's something worth looking into and Singapore should consider taking on this approach to its education landscape.

Quite a while ago, I came across this on my Facebook:

"Go to university, but go for the right reasons. Education isn’t a gun held to your head: it’s a weapon in your hands. Go not because you’re afraid of not getting a job but go because you love to learn, because you’re excited by ideas, because you believe that education is important for its own sake, and when you get there, pay attention, read everything you can get your hands on, cram yourself with words and figures and ideas, because that’s the one thing they can never take away from you." Laurie Penney, The Independent, August 2012

I believe if everyone could adopt this mindset, then motivation becomes intrinsic and no longer based on grades. Only then, we truly become passionate and excited to learn. And with that passion to learn, I believe getting a Pass grade (that may be more difficult to achieve) becomes a more meaningful and less stressful process.

I want the truth.

I saw something I shouldn't and I can't get over it.

You probably know what happened. And you got rid of it.

Now I'm not sure what to do.

About Summer Holidays 2015

Hahaha using the words 'summer holidays' still sounds kinda weird coz it's all-year summer in Singapore. But anyway, this holiday, I had been quite actively involved in certain things that I thought are worth writing about, so here I am today.

Exams ended in early May I think.. so the first thing that happened was NUEVE XI Seniors' Camp. It was a 3D2N thing, but I think it gave me the chance to make some new friends. Well, me being the shy and introverted, by the term "making some friends" I sort of mean to actually say or exchange a few words with people I've never really spoken to.. it's a start, right? Kay so after Seniors' Camp ended I was feeling a bit bored because I didn't really have much to do. I tried tidying my desk and doing housework. I tried finding part-time work a little half-heartedly because I knew my chances weren't high given my schedule this holiday. What was coming up a few weeks after was my OCIP Trip to Vietnam with SCBE OCIP.

It being my first OCIP trip, I didn't really know what to expect. What I had in mind was a pretty village-y place, with agricultural crops, chickens, ducks running wild, a school with no proper concrete structure (?). But I turned out to be half right. So the school was actually quite well equipped for a rural area. Walls were made of concrete; classrooms had tables, chairs, blackboards, cabinets. Even the area (which was another classroom) we slept in was actually quite decent. The living environment was generally okay for me, except for the part about sanitation i.e. the toilets, and the relentless mosquitoes. Other than that, I was pretty satisfied with the facilities there.

What we had set out to do there was basically teaching and construction work. So we taught the kids there (aged 7-12 yo) basic English; did some simple Science experiments; hygiene lessons. As for construction, we were going to build a kindergarten and it was already started on by the previous team (Hall 12), so what we did were things like laying bricks, mixing cement, digging holes, plastering. All of which were completely new to me but I found joy in doing them. Yeah it's tough work definitely, but I went with an open mind and I was willing to put myself into doing those things. On top of that, I knew that it would definitely be a long-term contribution towards the Long Vinh community so it felt really meaningful. The builders (construction workers) were also patient and willing to teach us some skills thankfully so the whole thing went smoothly.

Through my interaction with the kids, I began to admire how they found joy in little things, like playing with insects and even the simple games that we came up with. These kids were so easily contented, a quality which I think is quite difficult to find in city dwellers nowadays. I also saw how they had a strong sense of curiosity and willingness to learn from us. During English lessons, some of them would actually write down the pronunciation of the words in their own language next to the English words so that they would remember how to read them correctly the next time. At the end of this trip, I am also glad to say that I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone, living in conditions that were rather different from Singapore. In conclusion, I really enjoyed my trip a lot and did not regret joining OCIP at all. I really wouldn't mind returning for a second or third time haha. If money is not an issue. Haha.

Okay so moving on, after I came back from Vietnam, I started searching for part-time to recoup my monetary losses (that will soon be or already have been made). I found a part-time job as a promoter to promote English workshops, mainly targeted at those who are illiterate in English. Anyway I shall not elaborate too much on that. So I worked for a bit, and then shortly after was NUEVE XI FOC!

I joined back NUEVE XI FOC as a Photog/GL, mainly because I really enjoyed it back then as a freshie. Sad to say, this year's FOC would be the last authentic NUEVE because the school would be combining the Freshmen Orientation together with NUEVE, so I believe some of the main highlights would be removed. Anyway, I shall not put myself through explaining what happened for each day of camp coz my fingers are getting a bit lazy/tired. In general, I found the freshies this year pretty enthu (yay) and I hope that the camp will help them settle down more easily in uni life and bond them together such that they will stay together through their next 4 years :) Sorry if I had not been a very loud/enthu GL or Photog coz I was kinda tired.. plus I am naturally a rather quiet person and I'm only better talking one-to-one haha so those who have spoken to me individually might find me more likable hehe.

Okay I think my post shall end soon. But before I go off, the last highlight of my holidays will be going off to Malaysia, Port Dickson for sea, sand and fun weeee. Hopefully all goes well! :)

Tata! :D

The Colour Oracle

I did this test/horoscope thingy and I found that it reflected my present situation quite accurately.. You could try it out here: http://www.astro.com/cgi/atxgen.cgi?btyp=cf

These are my results...

Your General Disposition

At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for a feeling of success. You willingly invest a great deal of energy. At the same time, though, you feel that your actions receive too little attention, acknowledgment and recognition from the people your efforts are aimed at. You find this difficult to understand since your actions prove again and again that you are good willed and giving your best.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing

Of great importance to you now is...

...optimistic self-encouragement.

Again and again, you consciously adopt a positive inner attitude. This helps you to better stand up under the hardships of the present. You create goals, projects or ideals for yourself that give you a boost and the hope that your life will be better and happier. You search for ways and means which allow you to enjoy life without care and to spend more time devoting yourself to the things that bring you joy. In order to forge ahead in good spirits you now need...

You can ask yourself:

...relaxing favorite pastime.

When the difficulties of daily life or human interaction become too much, you prefer to retreat to your favorite pastime, a quiet hobby or into the world of your thoughts, dreams and fantasies. If you try to achieve the necessary balance to daily routine through a regular practice of meditation, you will find what you have actually been looking for: inner detachedness and peace. It would also be ideal if you could occasionally spend time in the great outdoors. You believe a particular help in achieving the inner peace you desire is...

You can ask yourself:

...peaceable avoidance of conflict.

Friendly relations are important to you. You avoid arguments when possible. You would like to get along peaceably with everyone and not cause any unnecessary trouble. You avoid everything that could place too much strain on your nerves because the demands of your daily life are already enough of a burden. Nevertheless, every now and then, you will be drawn into unpleasant confrontations with someone. You hope to be able to protect yourself from unpleasant situations by...

...obtaining sufficient funds.

It is very important to you to have enough money at your disposal so that you can afford whatever you wish to have or do. For this reason, you are currently spending more time thinking about your finances, and you anxiously deliberate on how you could obtain the necessary money. The certainty that you have sufficient funds strengthens your sense of self-worth and helps you to meet other people with confidence. You have unrealistic expectations regarding your...

...objective assessment of the situation.

Whatever you perceive – people, things or information – you analyze it, both critically and with a certain amount of skepticism, because you want to be certain whether it is beneficial to you or not. You are not easily misled, and in line with the motto “once bitten, twice shy”, you keep your distance from everything that could damage your wallet, your reputation, your wellbeing or your peace of mind. One thing is utterly clear to you: your present situation requires...

...loving attention.

You attempt to use your kindness to gain the affection of other people, and thanks to your charming ways, you usually succeed. You are happy when you can be with someone who shows you warm-heartedness, sympathy and understanding and with whom you can share the enjoyable things of life: delicious food, beautiful music, a comfortable home and, last but not least, the pleasurable exchange of physical affection.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant

At the moment you feel most anxious due to your...

...distressing relationship problems.

At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You inwardly sigh over your...

Your unconscious advises you to:

...continuing lack of enjoyment.

You feel that difficult circumstances are limiting your ability to experience and enjoy things, and this frustrates you and makes you sensitive to every manner of restriction, demand or even criticism that some person tries to impose on you. You believe you have to fend off such intentions and to act vigorously in order to obtain what you need. You are unable to truly enjoy life due to your...

Your unconscious advises you to:

...inner restlessness.

You have a very sensitive nature, and for this reason, you try as quickly as possible to forget unpleasant experiences by distracting yourself through all means of activity. Naturally, your restlessness can't bring you the inner peace you yearn for. On the contrary, the repressed negative emotions can manifest themselves through sudden shifts in mood or fits of bad temper. You are unable to find inner peace due to your...

...heavy burden of problems.

You feel burdened by personal problems that are not easy to solve. Your biggest problem, however, is the one you create through your belief that the source of your problems lies outside yourself. In truth, it is your conscious mind with its convictions, desires and fears which generates the problems and conflicts and what is more, claims it can't do anything about this, but is nonetheless willing to solve them. The thing you prefer not to admit to is your...

...burdensome situation of suffering.

You believe people should behave correctly, considerately and kindly towards you so that your interactions run pleasantly and without friction. Since this is frequently not the case, you often become indignant over their incorrect behavior and views or their lack of kindness. You easily get the feeling of being someone's innocent victim and believe you have every right to be outraged. You also suffer quite a bit due to your...

...frightening lack of power.

You constantly see yourself confronted with a mountain of difficulties and problems. At the same time, you don't want to let yourself be dragged down by feelings of despair and resignation. For this reason, you concentrate on achieving what is most important to you right now. The resources you employ in doing so range from winning affability to skillful manipulation all the way to authoritarian pressure because you want to get everything under control. Your fear of being powerless arouses exactly the opposite in you: a thirst for power.

Something you should read before you start a fight.

My "Aha Moment" happened because of a package of hamburger meat. I asked my husband to stop by the store to pick up a few things for dinner, and when he got home, he plopped the bag on the counter. I started pulling things out of the bag, and realized he'd gotten the 70/30 hamburger meat - which means it's 70% lean and 30% fat.

I asked, "What's this?"

"Hamburger meat," he replied, slightly confused.

"You didn't get the right kind," I said.

"I didn't?" He replied with his brow furrowed. " Was there some other brand you wanted or something?"

"No. You're missing the point, " I said. "You got the 70/30. I always get at least the 80/20."

He laughed. "Oh. That's all? I thought I'd really messed up or something."

That's how it started. I launched into him. I berated him for not being smarter. Why would he not get the more healthy option? Did he even read the labels? Why can't I trust him? Do I need to spell out every little thing for him in minute detail so he gets it right? Also, and the thing I was probably most offended by, why wasn't he more observant? How could he not have noticed over the years what I always get? Does he not pay attention to anything I do?

As he sat there, bearing the brunt of my righteous indignation and muttering responses like, "I never noticed," "I really don't think it's that big of a deal," and "I'll get it right next time," I saw his face gradually take on an expression that I'd seen on him a lot in recent years. It was a combination of resignation and demoralization. He looked eerily like our son does when he gets chastised. That's when it hit me. "Why am I doing this? I'm not his mom."

I suddenly felt terrible. And embarrassed for myself. He was right. It really wasn't anything to get bent out of shape over. And there I was doing just that. Over a silly package of hamburger meat that he dutifully picked up from the grocery store just like I asked. If I had specific requirements, I should have been clearer. I didn't know how to gracefully extract myself from the conversation without coming across like I have some kind of split personality, so I just mumbled something like, "Yeah. I guess we'll make do with this. I'm going to start dinner."

He seemed relieved it was over and he left the kitchen.

And then I sat there and thought long and hard about what I'd just done. And what I'd been doing to him for years, probably. The "hamburger meat moment," as I've come to call it, certainly wasn't the first time I scolded him for not doing something the way I thought it should be done. He was always putting something away in the wrong place. Or leaving something out. Or neglecting to do something altogether. And I was always right there to point it out to him.

Why do I do that? How does it benefit me to constantly belittle my husband? The man that I've taken as my partner in life. The father of my children. The guy I want to have by my side as I grow old. Why do I do what women are so often accused of, and try to change the way he does every little thing? Do I feel like I'm accomplishing something? Clearly not if I feel I have to keep doing it. Why do I think it's reasonable to expect him to remember everything I want and do it just that way? The instances in which he does something differently, does it mean he's wrong? When did "my way" become "the only way?" When did it become okay to constantly correct him and lecture him and point out every little thing I didn't like as if he were making some kind of mistake?

And how does it benefit him? Does it make him think, "Wow! I'm sure glad she was there to set me straight?" I highly doubt it. He probably feels like I'm harping on him for no reason whatsoever. And it I'm pretty sure it makes him think his best approach in regards to me is to either stop doing things around the house, or avoid me altogether.

Two cases in point. #1. I recently found a shard of glass on the kitchen floor. I asked him what happened. He said he broke a glass the night before. When I asked why he didn't tell me, he said, "I just cleaned it up and threw it away because I didn't want you to have a conniption fit over it." #2. I was taking out the trash and found a pair of blue tube socks in the bin outside. I asked him what happened and why he'd thrown them away. He said, "They accidentally got in the wash with my jeans. Every time I put in laundry, you feel the need to remind me not to mix colors and whites. I didn't want you to see them and reinforce your obvious belief that I don't know how to wash clothes after 35 years."

So it got to the point where he felt it was a better idea — or just plain easier — to cover things up than admit he made a human error. What kind of environment have I created where he feels he's not allowed to make mistakes?

And let's look at these "offenses": A broken glass. A pair of blue tube socks. Both common mistakes that anyone could have made. But he was right. Regarding the glass, I not only pointed out his clumsiness for breaking it, but also due to the shard I found, his sad attempt at cleaning it up. As for the socks, even though he'd clearly stated it was an accident, I gave him a verbal lesson about making sure he pays more attention when he's sorting clothes. Whenever any issues like this arise, he'll sit there and take it for a little bit, but always responds in the end with something like, "I guess it just doesn't matter that much to me."

I know now that what he means is, "this thing that has you so upset is a small detail, or a matter of opinion, or a preference, and I don't see why you're making it such a big deal." But from my end I came to interpret it over time that he didn't care about my happiness or trying to do things the way I think they should be done. I came to view it like "this guy just doesn't get it." I am clearly the brains of this operation.

I started thinking about what I'd observed with my friends' relationships, and things my girlfriends would complain about regarding their husbands, and I realized that I wasn't alone. Somehow, too many women have fallen into the belief that Wife Always Knows Best. There's even a phrase to reinforce it: "Happy wife, happy life." That doesn't leave a lot of room for his opinions, does it?

It's an easy stereotype to buy into. Look at the media. Movies, TV, advertisements - they're all filled with images of hapless husbands and clever wives. He can't cook. He can't take care of the kids. If you send him out to get three things, he'll come back with two — and they'll both be wrong. We see it again and again.

What this constant nagging and harping does is send a message to our husbands that says "we don't respect you. We don't think you're smart enough to do things right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, you'll be called out on it swiftly and without reservation." Given this kind of negative reinforcement over time, he feels like nothing he can do is right (in your eyes). If he's confident with himself and who he is, he'll come to resent you. If he's at all unsure about himself, he'll start to believe you, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither one is a desirable, beneficial outcome to you, him or the marriage.

Did my husband do the same to me? Just as I'm sure there are untold numbers of women who don't ever do this kind of thing to their husbands, I'm sure there are men who do it to their wives too. But I don't think of it as a typical male characteristic. As I sat and thought about it, I realized my husband didn't display the same behavior toward me. I even thought about some of the times I really did make mistakes. The time I backed into the gate and scratched the car? He never said a word about it. The time I was making dinner, got distracted by a call from my mom, and burned it to cinders? He just said, "We can just order a pizza." The time I tried to put the new patio furniture together and left his good tools out in the rain? "Accidents happen," was his only response.

I shuddered to think what I would have said had the shoe been on the other foot and he'd made those mistakes.

So is he just a better person than me? Why doesn't he bite my head off when I don't do things the way he likes? I'd be a fool to think it doesn't happen. And yet I don't remember him ever calling me out on it. It doesn't seem he's as intent as changing the way I do things. But why?

Maybe I should take what's he always said at face value. The fact that these little things "really don't matter that much to him" is not a sign that he's lazy, or that he's incapable of learning, or that he just doesn't give a damn about what I want. Maybe to him, the small details are not that important in his mind — and justifiably so. They're not the kinds of things to start fights over. They're not the kinds of things he needs to change about me. It certainly doesn't make him dumb or inept. He's just not as concerned with some of the minutia as I am. And it's why he doesn't freak out when he's on the other side of the fence.

The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my partner. He's not my servant. He's not my employee. He's not my child. I didn't think he was stupid when I married him - otherwise I wouldn't have. He doesn't need to be reprimanded by me because I don't like the way he does some things.

When I got to that point mentally, it then made me start thinking about all the good things about him. He's intelligent. He's a good person. He's devoted. He's awesome with the kids. And he does always help around the house. (Just not always to my liking!) Even more, not only does he refrain from giving me grief when I make mistakes or do things differently than him, he's always been very agreeable to my way of doing things. And for the most part, if he notices I prefer to do something a certain way, he tries to remember it in the future. Instead of focusing on those wonderful things, I just harped on the negative. And again, I know I'm not alone in this.

If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to also mean "do things differently than us"), then eventually they're going to stop trying to do things. Or worse yet, they'll actually come to believe those labels are true.

In my case it's my husband of 12+ years I'm talking about. The same man who thanklessly changed my car tire in the rain. The guy who taught our kids to ride bikes. The person who stayed with me at the hospital all night when my mom was sick. The man who has always worked hard to make a decent living and support his family.

He knows how to change the oil in the car. He can re-install my computer's operating system. He lifts things for me that are too heavy and opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk. He can put up a ceiling fan. He fixes the toilet when it won't stop running. I can't (or don't) do any of those things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. He's a good man who does a lot for me, and doesn't deserve to be harassed over little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Since my revelation, I try to catch myself when I start to nag. I'm not always 100% consistent, but I know I've gotten a lot better. And I've seen that one little change make a big improvement in our relationship. Things seem more relaxed. We seem to be getting along better. It think we're both starting to see each other more as trusted partners, not adversarial opponents at odds with each other in our day-to-day existence. I've even come to accept that sometimes his way of doing things may be better!

It takes two to make a partnership. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you're not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn't make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing he does that's not to your liking. Ladies, remember, it's just hamburger meat.

Taken from: http://brando.tickld.com/x/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time

Shared with me by a special someone - you know who you are ;)

Articles I'd like to share.

Instead of spamming my facebook with these really beautifully written and good posts (in my opinion), I've decided to share them here instead.

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/the-beauty-of-understanding-that-not-all-relationships-are-meant-to-last/

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http://thoughtcatalog.com/charlotte-green/2014/06/the-kind-of-love-thats-still-worth-believing-in/

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http://elitedaily.com/life/11-things-you-should-remind-yourself-of-when-you-wake-up/613831/

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http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-things-you-should-not-give-for-relationship.html

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http://thoughtcatalog.com/charlotte-green/2013/03/the-things-girls-are-afraid-to-say/

The truth is, when making a decision and telling somebody that "I don't know", you don't actually meant it. More than often, you already have one possible scenario playing in your head. And that is your decision. But you don't say it.

#randomthoughts

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Anyway, I'm blogging now coz I'm feeling rather distracted today. Not really putting in my best in mugging. Low productivity.

Not sure what to type in this blank space now, so I shall just update about life.

I've been kind of busy over the past few and going to be busy as well for the next few weeks. Probably I'll always be that way.

Anyway, I just finished my Business Finance quiz. Next week having another two more quizzes.

Just moved out of hall at the end of March. Not sure if I mentioned it previously though.

I'm still not doing well academically. And my life in Uni is just unfulfiling too.

Sigh.

Can't wait for this academic year to end.

Dear blog,

Sorry for neglecting you all this time.

I've been busy. As always. I'm never not busy. Oh well. I guess that's how my life works.

Soooo, I'm supposed to be studying now actually but I wanted to look for an outlet to just relax. I already browsed through my Facebook and checked my Whatsapp notifications, so I've decided to come back here to blog. About what?

Actually I have no idea. Haha. But the act of typing on the keyboard to write something in my little diary feels great.

Probably I'll drop a few updates on my life then.

So jie has flown back to Australia as school has started. I'm already missing her. :/

And my recess week just ended last week. I'm currently in the 2nd half of my Semester 2, which means that finals are coming in about a month. So, how have I been doing academically in uni apart from my participation in other non-academic stuff? Well, not really good. Whenever I hear people muttering the word 'GPA', I can't help but feel depressed and I generally try to avoid being part of that conversation. I hear people saying how their 4.x GPA is not good enough, and I have humble friends around me who actually scored a GPA of 5.0 which is like perfect. Generally I think most people had a pretty good start to their first semester but not me. Mine was way below expectations, and way below average I think. I would have to work so much harder than others in order to be on average, or above it. Not just because I'm less intellectually inclined than them, but because my score is much lower than theirs. It's a rather sucky feeling to know that you're really not there. I think my mindset of "taking courage in numbers" has to go away. I should succumb less to peer pressure as well. I think because most of my friends are actually closet muggers, either that or they are just really intelligent and can understand concepts rather easily without much effort (unlike the slow me), they may not seem to put in much effort or give a heck about their studies but end up scoring pretty well. Or maybe luck is just not on my side. Either way, I should stop comparing myself to others and really just work on improving myself. And instead of just suffering in silence, I need to start asking more questions - to friends and to profs. And also to pay attention in lesson, like really keeping my mind awake and alert instead of just stoning or passively sitting there. All of these things that I wrote above are some stuff that I've been working on in the 1st half of Sem 2, so I hope that by keeping this up and of course continual effort, I will excel and be on par with the rest by the end of the year. I'm not asking for stellar results, but at least hoping for a 4.x to speak of. I need to also be less easily distracted, and sleep and rest sufficiently so that information goes into my brain more easily.

Anyway, I will be moving out of hall by the end of the month. This may sound sudden to everyone. Yeah, I'm moving out before the semester ends. Because I don't see myself sustaining well living in hall. I don't know what's the reason for that. But I really, really miss home, maybe the company or the environment (or both) is what draws me back. It's an indescribable feeling of excitement and anticipation that I got when I finally decided on withdrawing from hall. It's not an impulsive decision, but something that I had been thinking about since last month or so. And the travelling, if you're wondering? I really don't mind travelling that far because unlike most people, travelling allows me to unwind and it's in fact something I enjoy doing. The cost? I did my math and found out that staying in hall would cost me a startling $180 more per month, than if I bought train concession or took the free NTU shuttle bus. So I would be making a saving which feels really good because one thing that kept bothering since I entered uni was that I just kept spending and spending. Which is also why I took up some part-time jobs and doing paid surveys etc whenever I could. And being at home? Yeah I get to see my family and be in my most familiar environment where I grew up for the past 19 years of my life (although not everyone will be at home). I can also stop feeling bad for treating my house like a hotel, where I check in on Friday nights and leave on Monday mornings. I am really looking forward to going back home to stay.

So, question: will I be staying in hall next semester? Well, since I do have some points which might enable me to continue staying next sem, I haven't really decided. I shall use this opportunity as well to come up with a decision as to whether all this travelling is sustainable and tolerable to me (though I believe it would turn out fine).

On a random note, Daddy's birthday is coming in a few days' time! :)

Yup, so that's about all the major stuff that's been going through my head lately other than more equations, formulas and concepts.

Hopefully everyone is doing fine too!

Bye! :D

CNY 2015

Hi guys,

It's the Lunar New Year again.

Wishing everyone all the best for this new year.

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Sorry for sounding so formal/cold; kind of not in the mood.

Some bad things have happened.

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School has been okay. More realisations have been made. About friends and relationships in general. And I also discovered more about myself.

Guess this is what they mean by getting to know yourself better as you grow older.. like how the adults use to advise teenagers not to get into a BGR too early because you/the other party is/are too immature and you have yet to understand enough about yourself to get into any relationship. Simply put in Chinese, 心智尚未成熟. Indeed getting into a relationship with yourself and truly understanding yourself is crucial before getting into a BGR.

That's all. Bye

2015.

Hello 2015!

Today is the 6th day of the year. (does it actually sound odd to write like that? Imagine if it's like 4 Feb - just a random day - it'll be the 35th day of the year haha)

Yesterday was Mummy's birthday. One of the few rare times that we actually prepared stuff for her. We made a card, bought cake, bought 51 tauhuey, and cooked her requested porridge for dinner. Hahaha I guess it all happened because my sister was around. If not, none of these things would be possible lol. And I helped with a bit of everything behind the scenes as always :) in conclusion, yesterday's dinner was really great. All my faves HAHA.

Anyway, just a few days back, my cousins, sis and I went to Adventure Cove @ Sentosa. Well, my general opinion is that it was quite fun, but I guess I wouldn't return again. Perks of it: some rides were really really fun. I especially liked the Riptide Rocket (if I remb the name correctly), Tidal Twister and Pipeline Plunge. The rest were less exciting in my opinion. Oh and I had my first snorkelling experience at Rainbow Reef with the fishes. But the saltwater was reaaaaaaally salty. Yeah I accidentally drank a little and my throat was on the verge of drying up -.- And there was an attraction called Splashworks where there is basically some rope obstacles for you to clear. However, one must be a relatively competent swimmer as the water is about 4m deep, which deterred many people from entering that attraction. I was kinda happy with myself because I cleared the obstacles without much failure (I only fell into the water once coz I lost my balance). Yay me :D Staff/lifeguards there were also generally nice and friendly. It's a tourist attraction after all. And so what are the downsides? I guess I didn't like the fact that there weren't any map directories planted around, so we actually had to hold onto an Adventure Guide that contained a map of all the rides throughout the entire time. Given that it was a waterpark, it isn't realistic of them to expect people to be carrying a map made of paper around the waterpark right? Next problem was the long queues. Yesyes, it is wrong of me to remark on that because after all I went on a weekend. But I kind of expected something more. Because it felt like the time spent on queuing wasn't proportionate to the fun that I expected from some of the ride(s). It was good though, that they had the estimated waiting time outside the attraction, so people had a clear idea how long more they had to wait. In the end, it felt as though we spent half the time waiting inside. We spent about 7 hours there in total, but only had the opportunity to play every ride once, except for two of the rides which we played twice, and some of which we forgone because it was meant for younger kids/toddlers. Thankfully we hadn't spent $36 on the admission tickets, and got it at a cheaper price. Totally worth it. Haha.

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School's gonna start soon manz. I need to really work so much harder for next sem in order for my GPA to reach a desirable level. Thinking about school is a little depressing after so much fun I've had during the holidays. Hahah. Almost time to turn off my holiday mode~ :(

Bye!

2014 in review.

Hello! So I haven't been posting as frequent as I hoped to as I've been busy with working part-time.

Just last weekend, I was working as a carpark assistant for 2 days. You know, the person who sits near the carpark gantry.. yeah that was me haha. I was monitoring the barrier arm movement because it was unresponsive at times, usually due to human error though, so I was there to resolve the problem. As I was not properly trained on how to correct it, when there was a problem, I was really panicky and stressed - imagine a long queue of cars/motorcycles behind waiting to exit the carpark and you are there making a phone call to the technician to learn on-the-job how to fix the issue.. So after a few times, I was okay with it already. But that was already my 2nd day at work haha. Anyway I was doing this part-time job for my OCIP canvassing.

Now, I've been doing this promoter job at Megatex with Amanda. Yay! Hahaha we're finally working together hohoho. Yeah she introduced me to the job. :D Thanks Amanda, if you're reading this haha.

So anyway I digress. Because as the title of the post suggests, I was supposed to be writing about 2014 in review. Kay I shall begin haha.

2014 has been a year with many changes. I'm not sure if I've said this for other years before, but this one year has been one that contrasts starkly from many others.

Started off the year with myself doing a teaching internship under MOE at Bedok North Secondary School. Which is also where I met my roomie Thiri.

Moving on, I did a law internship with PBSO for two weeks, through MJC's Industrial Attachment Programme (or whatever it's called 'coz I can't really remember).

Then I think I slacked around for a few months (?) and then finally took up a proper part-time cashiering job at Cold Storage for about 1.5 months and also doing a data entry/registration job at FHA/WSA 2014 at Expo for about a week. Sometime during this period, my maid left and we decided not to hire any maids permanently. That's when household chores became a compulsory part of life.

Visited my sister in Australia in July. Went for FOCs as well.

Started uni life - schooling at NTU and hall life. A brand new experience (like duh lol). Hall life i.e. living independently started out fine for me. 'Adapting' and 'getting used to' was one big excuse I used to convince myself regarding my terrible academic performance. My mind wasn't on learning or anything else. I just couldn't absorb stuff as quickly as I could. Maybe 8 months of break took a toll on my learning abilities or something. Anyway in case you're wondering why I sound so depressed, it's because I just received my results today. Urgh they're bad. I must work harder next sem. Pull that GPA up by a whole lot more. :/

So then, my holiday came and here's where I am now.

Oh, and just a few days ago, my parents got a new car. Not because we're rich, but the COE for our old Picnic was expiring in a few months' time.

And uni life kinda sucks a lot of money out of you or maybe something else is. Expenses increasing exponentially, and things which I wanna/need to spend on are not properly valued too. Part-time jobs are all the more crucial during long term breaks.

Yeah, so this basically sums up my entire year I think. Kinda exciting actually, but a year that I may have played a bit too much when I should have been studying. Time to get my priorities right.

To a better year ahead! & To a better GPA!

(yes studies first).

The Apology Theory

Many a time when I take long bus rides alone, I get many random thoughts, such as what I'm about to write later in this post. Most of these things are not newfound facts or anything of that sort. It's just the kind of thing that you would read from inspirational/psychology books (I guess) or like from Things We Forget. My inspiration is usually taken from things happening in my day-to-day life, or random observations I make of my surroundings. Sometimes I post them on Facebook, other times I'd try to make a mental note to write them here if I have the time.

On a random side note, I still love taking SBS bus service 10 from Tampines interchange, and that familiar route home. It gets me thinking, and I feel peaceful internally hahaha. Sounds like an exaggeration I know haha. But generally I love long bus rides. Haha.

Anyway, so this post is about what I conceptualised about apologizing. Bits and pieces of what I remember ah.. coz some things have probably slipped my mind. And I don't have excellent vocabulary either, so I'm just using simple words.

Apologise only if you're truly sorry. Don't apologise because you feel compelled to. Don't apologise because you feel guilty. Don't apologise because you have another motive in mind. Apologise only if you know how it feels/sucks to be in those shoes. Apologise because you want to let the other party know that you are truly concerned. Apologise because you want to make a conscious effort to improve on things between you and the other party. Otherwise, an apology just means nothing.

Overcoming your own guilt towards someone by using money or material goods is not going to resolve the guilt. Presenting goods or money to the receiving party only makes him/her temporarily happy and nothing more. It doesn't make the problem go away.

"Familiarity breeds contempt."

Starting to see some truth in it.

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Shall resume blogging soon during this one month break.

Do some soul searching along the way.

Get my life back on track - my goals, motivations, priorities.

More rants, random thoughts, inspirations to be penned (typed) down. Hopefully.


Have a great holiday ahead. 

My Start of Tertiary Education

Hello.

So in case if you guys don't know, I'm already starting University. Just started last month.

As far as I can say, University life isn't as 'chill' as it may seem. True enough, you can arrange your own timetables, choose from a wide variety of ECAs (yes they call it ECAs here at my place), and countless of other things that seem very attractive. But it isn't all that great. I'm not saying it sucks by the way; it's just about as hectic in JC/Poly I think. Your JC/Poly teachers may tell you that University will get better but I kind of doubt it as a Year 1 student now.

1. Workload is just equally daunting
Lectures are free-and-easy, tutorials are done otot, but if you're thinking of skipping them entirely, who's the one losing out at the end of the day? Having to clear 8 modules which translates to 20 hours per week for the first semester isn't such an easy feat as I thought it to be.

2. Out-of-lessons time
Outside of lessons time, most of us are either participating in some sport/club/hall activity which requires commitment and could take up a lot of time, especially if you're staying in hall and vying for hall points and stuff like that. And then there's all time which you spend socializing with friends, hanging out, supper, mugging etc.

3. Adaptation
As I'm staying in hall, there's also this issue about adapting to living independently in a new environment. I'm not the sort of person who cannot stand loneliness (in fact I actually wanted to apply for single room but that's another story anyway), but it's having to keep your room clean, settling your own meals, doing your own laundry, waking up on time for lessons - these things need getting used to. It also proved the point that I rely quite a lot on my family and also led to a bit of homesickness for a short period of time haha. It's through befriending and familiarizing, that you eventually settle down in hall.

All in all, my life has been pretty exciting in the sense that I'm experiencing something really new in my life. It's also kind of like an army life where we 'book out' on Fridays/Saturdays and then 'book in' again on Sundays/Mondays.

Academic wise, I don't think I'm actually doing well (though we haven't had any quizzes yet; coming soon though). Most of the things that I'm learning are quite new (especially Biomolecular Engineering -.-) and kind of difficult to grasp. Probably because of the teaching styles of the lecturers, I usually cannot absorb much during lecture and end up consulting friends/self studying. Haiz. Coupled with this is the need to maintain a place in hall next year, which leads to a pretty big deal of stress.. Plus I just recovered from being sick last week haha. Gotta learn to cope!!! On a side note, my friends in uni have been reaally great so far, that's why I'm still kind of getting along well right now. Haha.

Anyway, met Amanda last week. Chanced upon her in fact, while the sick me was otw home. Gosh I miss her so much :/ (haha Amanda don't be bhb if you ever read this) WE NEED TO MEEEEET.


Okay I duno what else to type already haha.



Byebye!