I looked through my previous few posts and realized I haven't written a real one in a pretty long while. So I'm gonna write one today. And I really feel the urge to.
As the title of this post suggests, it's gonna be entirely on my problems and all that. Read on if you're interested, but probably you won't understand what I'm conveying for about half the time because I haven't blogged about my life for a rather long time. Otherwise, thanks for reading it up till here.
Firstly, I really need to deal with my decision-making issues. It's my life. I need to decide for myself what I really want and not leave everything to the rest of the people to decide, or even allow time to decide for me. I just cannot muster the courage to make decisions, even minor ones sometimes. For instance, I cannot even decide when I want to check into my hall which sounds rather ridiculous. Of course it's not that simple about randomly picking a date lah. There are other factors to consider, especially when money is involved (yes I am a bit stingy like that) and then the inauspicious month by the Chinese calendar is around the corner. I have to seriously come up with a solution to deal with this huge problem of mine.
I really wish that we could all be more direct with each other, myself included. What I mean isn't to be rude and hurl insensitive remarks at each other, but to say what we really mean. To express our true emotions and not hide or keep mum about them. Everyone suffers eventually. X who doesn't like to express his thoughts will either leave Y feeling lost and confused or have Y creating an impression that X is okay with it. Stuff like that is exactly how we create tons of misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict and tension.
Dodging or avoiding problems or pretending nothing happened i.e. living in denial when they come your way won't help anything at all. It just leaves the issue 'hanging', or just 'resolve' it momentarily. When one party A who tries very hard to resolve the problem is met with another one B who just wants to avoid it or shrug things off as if nothing happened, some day A will get so damn tired of trying to salvage the relationship and it's just gonna end there. Sadly.
I admit that I have problems with managing my schedule at times. This stems from my poor ability to make decisions and hence I am unable to choose who/what to prioritize and leads to some negligence of some people/parties. I am already trying to work on this. I mark my calendar dates and make sure I have a good idea of what to expect for the next couple of days. If something last minute happens but is not as important, I try to reschedule if possible or just skip it entirely. I apologize sincerely to anyone who had/has been a victim of my poor scheduling.
I have been plagued with quite a bit of emotional problems now that I really hope to rewind time. Back to where I could correct my mistakes e.g. my poor time planning, rebuild the trust/faith that was lost as a result of that. Probably things would be better now. But of course life goes on. I can only look forward to handling it better in the future. But of course I hope that the relevant people will still have a decent amount of faith in me that I can do it.
I confess that I don't show my emotions very well. I don't say things like "I love you" and you know, all that sort of things. I prefer to show it through my actions. And because it's not spoken words, sometimes people misunderstand that I am cold and unresponsive, or feel unloved. But I am not. I really care a lot for my loved ones and I can only genuinely hope that they can feel it through my actions.
And yes I wish to end this post on an optimistic note because I don't like to wish for the worse. I hope that things will go uphill from now on. I don't want another series of unhappiness. I hope that's not asking for much.
This post was meant to be longer but my stamina (not the physical stamina I mean) can only last till here. It's kind of a bit too depressing that I am afraid water might come out of my eyes (whatever you think that means).
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